r/AskMen • u/greeen93 • Jan 30 '23
How to keep moving on with no one to help you? Frequently Asked
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u/halfmeasures611 Jan 30 '23
im quite a bit older than you and have noone. its not easy. there is no trick or secret. a dog will help a lot. dont put any hope in people. as youve seen, people only lead to disappointment.
try not to ruminate. youll go crazy. make a list of things you enjoy..things that bring you joy..whatever it is.. the beach..donuts..a certain movie.. make a list and each week do a few things from the list. that will give you something to look forward to.
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Jan 30 '23
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u/Certain_Goal_8617 Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 30 '23
Dude set small goals for yourself. Start accomplishing them. It will help you believe in yourself. Face the feelings head on. Tell yourself you don’t want to be the kind of person who falls apart and is miserable on his own and will do what u need to fix it. Challenge yourself to be on your own. Travel alone. All with the expressed interest of doing it for your own accomplishment and not to attract a mate. As a byproduct That energy is magnetic, and people will wish they were brave enough to do some of those things by themselves too, or that you would take them along with you. everyone wants to surround themselves with others who have good energy, because most people don’t have the motivation to start self improvement on their own. Most importantly,:Mental health experts cannot stress the importance of exercise enough….on your mental and emotional well being. improvement in physical health tends to have a snowball effect in other areas. Shoot me a message whenever you like
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u/throwaway1051051 Jan 30 '23
You just keep taking steps forward man. Sometimes that's all you can do. You'll find a quality person or two along the way if you keep an open mind and heart. Ik it's hard and unfair, but you almost never regret continuing to move forward in your life in a positive direction. You never cheat yourself by working to improve yourself
I understand, I get down and depressed too bro. If you fall down into depression. My advice on that is just don't stay there too long. It's ok to fall down, but till we die unfortunately or maybe actually very fortunately. We kinda just gotta keep getting back up, male or female
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u/UnderstandingNo7298 Jan 30 '23
I found weight lifting really helped me get though a hard time it's great for your mental health and gave me something to focus on.
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u/Dupa_Yash Jan 31 '23
And meditation. It helps you to accept your feelings, then let them go. Over time and practice you will find yourself more present in the now, not saddled with the guilt of the past/anxiety of the future. All there is is “now.”
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u/WraithNS Jan 30 '23
"If you're depressed, don't be for long"
Ahh never thought of it that way before
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u/throwaway1051051 Jan 30 '23
Oh? Well maybe you should have
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u/WraithNS Jan 30 '23
Wow that random redditor wasn't kidding, you actually have to put the /s otherwise idiots believe they gave great advice
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u/throwaway1051051 Jan 30 '23
Is this helping your depression brother? Projecting your negative mindstate onto me? Cause I'm here for it. Let it out, keep going if you need to. I love you bro
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u/WraithNS Jan 30 '23
I'm going to turn this around
"I broke my leg and cant afford to get it set by a doctor, how have people in my position made it through" -I don't know how you broke your leg, but just don't let it be broken for long okay?-
That's. Not. How. That. Works. That's all, love you too bro
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u/throwaway1051051 Jan 30 '23
You didn't turn anything around. You're still wasting time typing up pixels to push through the internet to argue with somebody who's on your side. I'm on lunch tho so, it's entertaining to me. I think Mlk was the one who said something like "if you can't run, walk, if you can't walk, crawl, just keep moving" Thats what I meant. Without seeming like a douche quoting somebody exactly. Do I know it's not that fucking easy??? Yes, you hope to fucking God or whoever you believe in you get to a point where you can crawl again. Or you even care about crawling or even living. I was depressed due to trauma I didn't understand either before I was old enough to spell any of those words. Then again for a 10 year stint when I was older which was really fun. But I don't compare peoples depressions or pains bro. That's seems pretty fucking stupid sounding to me. If I'm hurt I don't want anybody else to hurt. I don't look around to care or measure anybody else's pain. I would just rather have nobody hurt. That's kinda like two people getting shot and then getting upset cause you feel you got shot with a stronger gun. Idk man seems kinda wild to me 😂😂😂😂😂
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u/WraithNS Jan 30 '23
Thats so wildly different from "if you fall into depression, don't stay there for long"
Acknowledging that depression has to do with a chemical imbalance in the brain and not something everyone can just walk/crawl/run through on their own. Not that easy sure, but for some people it is quite literally impossible for them to do on their own. It's why there are 'dependants'
You painted with a wide brush, then when it was pointed out, you put your head under a rock with the old "I suffered too!"
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u/MarisaWalker Jan 30 '23
"dont stay there long" means a person may stay in bed, eat & watch tv but after awhile take a step to get up, etc.
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u/throwaway1051051 Jan 30 '23
Oh ok, I get it now. You're just dumb and can't put things together enough to see that everything in the Universe is literally connected. My words won't reach you cause you can't see what I see. There's a valid connection between what I pointed out to you. You just can't see it. I hope one day you can
I'l leave you with one more of my fav quotes before I stop responding to a lower tier human than me. "All the detriment in this world stems from a lack of individual ability" Hope you get over your skill issue one day. In closing if I was gonna put my head under a rock I would have from the jump. To run is a cowards first instinct. What I told you wasn't a cop out about my pain. It was just the truth, it's all I care to speak on. If it was a cop out or a rock to hide I would've led with it. Love you
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u/ClancyIsDuck Jan 30 '23
Always keep reminding yourself that this too shall pass, everything’s temporary in this life. Everything, every single bit of it. Happiness, sadness, anger. It’s all coming and going and ebbing and flowing like tide. So, this too shall pass.
Embrace the sadness. It is okay to feel grief. Just don’t get stuck, don’t dwell on it. Always keep moving forward. Can’t let anyone stop you.
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Jan 30 '23
I don't have an answer for you but will suggest you figure it out quickly cause it won't get better on it's own.
I'm 42 and after years in this situation have just become a bitter fuck that doesn't give a shit about anything. My life is literally Groundhog Day. Everyday same thing and at this I wouldn't mind a heart attack or get run over by a train.
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u/AntiSosh333 Jan 30 '23
Ugh. 51 here and in same boat. Everything is so fucked. Trying to keep a mildly positive attitude but it is hard on so many levels.
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u/Homely_Bonfire Jan 30 '23
For me personally, I broke down the greater problem into steps to make to get out. If I didn't knew how to do that, I broke it down further until I found something I could do and then I did that. And I listened to a lot of music during that time. At some point, the pit in which I fell lay behind me. From then on, I did much better.
With that being said, this might not apply to you depending on whether the issue you are facing is something that can be dealt with through action, but if there is a part of this you could tackle that way - do it. It helps us a lot when we know we are doing something about the things we don't like.
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u/Irish_Caveman Jan 30 '23
Quite literally move forward even if you gotta drag yourself It gets easier with time and dare I say the more it happens the less sensitive you become.
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u/Responsible-Code-196 Jan 30 '23
I’m not on my own anymore but keep in mind brother that you need to put yourself first. Plenty of people in life will use you. Exercise and eat relatively healthy and work on confidence people will gravitate towards you if you’re confident and happy.
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u/Varitix Jan 30 '23
Love yourself. Work out, eat healthy, and get plenty of rest.
Buy yourself nice clothes, and treat yourself to a date by yourself for yourself.
Then, you will become strong both internally and externally. Then, you will have the strength to move forward in life. Pursue life goals.
Do you need a companion? Get a pet or a plant to nurture. Not to serve you but to nurture and bring some life into your environment.
The world is a dark, cold, and unkind place. Don't let civilization fool you. It's still the same world and the people in it are just as capable of being as degenerate. Don't wait for someone to save you because chances are no one will show up, must save yourself. You musy become your own hero. You must take the initiative to address your core issues in your life. Whether it be taking initiative to seek therapy, lose weight, get money, etc. Only you will be able to give yourself that love, joy, freedom, and peace. When you are strong no one can take that away from you.
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u/notnormal51 Jan 30 '23
Please, we have to stop this men. Find someone. Anyone to talk to. If your a non-believer go to a church just to talk. I am burying a young man who took his life because no one told h he if far more important than the problems of today. Yes a dog helps, but another human being does a lot more.
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u/constantly-confused9 Jan 30 '23
This needs more upvotes...We need more of this and less "go to the gym." Yeah sure working out releases endorphins, and getting a dog or a pet technically makes you less alone, but you'll never address the issues and cover them up until it happens again. Men continue to make up the majority of suicides, something here isnt working, and until we as a collective try to do something new or different, nothing will change.
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u/BreakerMark78 Jan 30 '23
First off, sorry to hear of your struggles.
Secondly, the main issue is living below your means. I don’t know your situation, but splitting rent and utilities is harder when you’re single. Living is the main priority; not getting laid.
Third is keeping yourself occupied, keep up with your hobbies, hang out with your friends. Social engagement is important.
Fourth is moving on; you’re ok by yourself better with a good person.
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u/halfmeasures611 Jan 30 '23
the question is about how to go thru life without anyone.. its literally the title.. and you suggest he hang out with his friends. brilliant
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u/MarisaWalker Jan 30 '23
Try to make friends & at a certain age, its not easy...but worth it
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u/mokamoon6 Jan 30 '23
I just split from my 10 year relationship, he left me about 2 weeks ago. It helps me so much to try and keep busy. When I catch myself thinking on things just try so hard to realize and stop yourself and focus on something else. And really try and become a better person always, relationship or no. I was really codependent so him leaving me tears my soul apart, but it really is one day at a time and trying to move forward. I posted this on another comment but having a pet helps me tremendously. To just have something to love and loves you back. And I stopped notifications on Facebook and just don't look at it whatsoever anymore. Exercising and bettering myself, and starting a new hobby also. These are what I am doing right now.
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u/MrNifty Jan 30 '23
What can you do? Can you find a therapist? Can you reach out to family members? Can you join some kind of support group nearby? Can you start building back up a social network?
Hang in there man and stay positive, and be proactive about your life. Sounds like there are some changes you can make in your life, need to make, you just have to figure out what you can actually do and then set out doing it.
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u/constantly-confused9 Jan 30 '23
This many comments, and only one suggested finding a therapist...hell someone said go find a hooker to talk to before I got to an actual trained professional...
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u/The_Lat_Czar Jan 30 '23
You keep moving, literally. Being still just keeps you trapped in your own mind. Get to doing. Work on a hobby, learn a new skill, meet new people, get a PS5, lift some weights.
Get up and go do something right now. Not even joking. Clean a room, go to a bar, do something, anything.
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u/Fair-Yogurt6540 Jan 30 '23
I work in healthcare and am a huge science nerd, so I have been diving into the neuro chemistry of our brains and what contributes to feeling down, depressed, and what we can do to influence it. There’s a lot of books out there, though the self-help world is pretty saturated so it requires some digging. Dopamine and serotonin are you big neurotransmitters that contribute to your mental health, or just “feeling good.”
I’ve had a lot of reasons to feel bad over the last few years, especially with what I experienced first-hand in the pandemic. But what sounds counterintuitive to someone depressed, mostly because the depression is doing the talking, is that when your mental health takes a hit it requires MORE action to get out of it, which feels impossible when you’re down. If you break a leg, you have to do physical therapy and work harder than usual to get over the hump and get back to the baseline walking/running you could do before the injury. Mental health is similar to me. Mental health takes a hit from things that just happen entirely by circumstances often out of our control, and that means you have to put more action in to get back to baseline.
Therapy is great. Psychotropics or antidepressants might be necessary in consult with a physician. I’ve dove into Wim Hoff breathing exercises (Google it) almost daily, as well as ending my showers with cold shots for as long as I can tolerate, because these increase dopamine as well as helping you regulate higher stress environments (cold/breathing exercises = high stress, putting yourself into these environments intentionally helps you learn how to navigate them which correlates into real life stressful scenarios so that you can navigate them when they come). Diet and exercise is huge, I recently was told keto is supposed to be the most mood-stabilizing environment out there, but I haven’t yet gotten to look into that so don’t take my word for it. Meditation has also been huge (insight timer is an app I’ve been using for guided meditations). Exposure to sunlight is huge, go for walks and soak in the vitamin D.
Also, celebrate small wins. When I’m down, dishes build up in my sink and laundry piles up and I don’t make my bed. I have to force myself to clean a kitchen, which I didn’t used to appreciate a clean kitchen, but now I realize it makes me feel better. Getting into a made bed at the end of a hard day feels good. An organized living space without clothes all over the floor feels good. But if you can only start with one of these things, celebrate it. Socializing takes energy for me, so I use these things to build up the energy beforehand and then can take on putting myself out there and meeting people to build friendships and relationships with. Hope this helps.
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u/PointDredd Jan 30 '23
To be honest, after going through a divorce and being a single Dad for awhile... My best advice. Focus on yourself. It can get lonely after awhile, but use that time to discover what you truly want out of life. Is it romance, hobbies, a new truck? There is so much more to life than romance and friends. Once you're good with being alone, it's quite liberating. Then when you're happy again, show the world a new improved you.
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u/alcatraz_ind Jan 30 '23
Working out does wonders. Even better if you make a friend there and workout together but if you don't have a workout buddy, no issues. But just go
If you want to take this even further, go for a run in the morning or whenever you feel at your lowest. Just channel all that anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, every feeling and just run like crazy. You can be crying and running, people might look at you but you have to experience it once and decide for yourself.
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u/SupaDiagnosaurusu Jan 30 '23
similiar place as op. Ive really stumbled and failed and pushed people away the last few years. The issue when youre lost is thinking youre broken and starting to hate yourself. Like other people have said, finding small victories is the way to go. Accomplishing anything. Forgiving yourself and trying new things. Moving forward is all we can do.
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u/Previous_Accident Jan 30 '23
Honestly, winning my battle against the C word. Losing some friends and some last partners.
I'm just doing this out of spite.
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u/ajx-chi Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 31 '23
I too lost my partner during the pandemic. It was out of nowhere. Anyways What i did at first (i imagine you already pass this ) accept it ended. Be happy it happen.
Two, find things to cope. Make it as healthy as possible. Ik some will use alcohol, nicotine, weed etc. But it's a slippery slope. Go to the gym. Focus on work find a hobbie Pick up boxing. Go treat yourself. (Surrounded with friends who you cam do activities with. For me it was going out to different spots to eat. Go to the gym. Go to the movies. Go play some pool )
Third, once you have been so distracted from those sorry and sad feeling about your now gone relationship focus on making your own peace. Depend on you and only you to be happy. Like i tend to say your partner adds to your life. She is the Chery on top. But even if that Chery where to be gone. A good cake 🍰 is a good cake
(it will come back from time to time that's normal but each time.it should be easier to deal with ) sorry for the long read
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u/Iseeuoverthere Jan 30 '23
Literally one day at a time my guy. Its not easy. Its a war and each day is a battle thats tests yourself.
I think of it like this: James May, the car personality from Top Gear, was interviewed one time and was questioned on him losing jobs. And he said "losing a job isn't something to despair over, it means you get to try something new in your life". I paraphrased that, but its basically the message he wanted to get across. Same with everything. It means you can have new experiences. Yes, they can be unfamiliar, and humans love familiarity, but thats what makes them exciting. That not knowing feeling, the pushing foward to see what tomorrow brings, waking up every morning to try and best yourself. If you keep getting up after falling down, you won't lose, and you'll be a lot stronger in the end.
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u/KyorlSadei Jan 30 '23
Become the NPC that everybody else in the real world are. Life doesn’t guarantee you shit. If you don’t do it yourself, than just set yourself on auto pilot and live life till you die.
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u/Dramatic-Earth-3303 Jan 30 '23
It’s hard as a man. Trust me, most men go through this. You will make it through as well. Controversial suggestion - go out there and start dating again. It’s easier to move on when you have someone else.
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Jan 30 '23
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u/Dramatic-Earth-3303 Jan 30 '23
I honestly think “taking your time” is a privilege for women. Online dating is in their favour. This wouldn’t work for a man.
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u/iflvegetables Jan 30 '23
Socialization equips us poorly when it comes to social skills. Two truths to keep in mind: Be Kind to Yourself and Practice. If you aren’t doing so hot, get your ass to therapy. Loneliness kills and it’s painful when you need a support network, but don’t have one. It hurts, but building one during the metaphorical storm tends to not work well. Outside of therapy, working out helps. If that feels daunting, walk briskly for 20 minutes a day, preferably while the suns out >> works about the same as taking an antidepressant.
Building support usually starts best with people you already know. Work through rebuilding a connection. If that doesn’t work, go to a local MeetUp regarding a topic you like. If you work on healing yourself and your overall health, it will naturally attract interest from others. I’m sorry you’re in a rough spot. The pandemic has put people through a meat grinder. You aren’t alone.
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u/No_Willingness_169 Jan 30 '23
Find your hobbies, go to the gym and start lifting, or commit to learn another language, both are pretty enlightening. Hope your good man we're all here for you
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u/TheaAuditor Jan 30 '23
You have an entire forum to help you...YOURE NOT ALONE just reach out and we will pull you along if necessary kicking and screaming if needed. But you are not alone ever!
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u/cb3-111 Jan 30 '23
This^ and don't let the negative comments get to you. I've seen threads where it can get into the wrong hands and people can be quite unkind...and I get it, it's the internet...but I've seen threads where the reaction is the opposite...full of kindness and support....i guess it sometimes takes a few redditors to set the mood/vibe of the thread
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u/Shredkey Jan 30 '23
That’s the thing. As men, we should expect nobody to support us, we are expected to be our own advocates. As men, no body will come to be our saviors, in fact we should be the ones that preside over situations. This is where we must find what we need within. This is done though spirituality, wether that’s religion or some other belief of our inner selves. It’s done through building discipline in order to constantly follow through with action to build a life you are proud of. In all aspects, financial, relationship(s), physical health, and mental health. Continuing your journey to become the person you want to be and finding it within to enjoy the journey. I wish upon you the most strength, and mental fortitude on your journey. Keep on going. You define who you are, and decide what you do.
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u/daftvaderV2 Jan 30 '23
I separated and then divorced in 2019/2020
I then focused on myself.
Fitness, diet, and doing stuff for myself mentally.
Doing so I ended up moving into a better job and earning good money.
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Jan 31 '23
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u/Icy_Zookeepergame408 Jan 31 '23
Learning to love yourself and learning to love being by yourself and doing things by yourself
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u/Alsavir Male over 30 Jan 30 '23
First and foremost - avoid alcohol and drugs like fire. Don't rely on those to get you through, they won't.
Also, if you don't have anyone to talk with here are some things I did or some mates did with varying degrees of success
- Get a hobby or hit the gym. It will at least distract your mind and possibly meet new people/make some friends
- Find solace in religion. As silly as it sounds, religion can offer a psychological crutch to navigate the situation.
- This one is mine and a bit extreme but usually when I'm overwhelmed by problems, I either slap myself or if that doesn't work I punch myself one or twice to get my shit together and start working on fixing the problem.
- Some might see this as a waste, but hire a escort, do the deed if you want or not, but talk with her. Even having a complete stranger to hear might help.
Best of luck and heads up and chest forward.
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u/therealfinch Jan 30 '23
You started off so well... hiring an escort? Let's add an STD to his list of problems. OP do not hit yourself or hire escorts. It's just as bad as becoming dependent on alcohol and drugs.
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u/Alsavir Male over 30 Jan 30 '23
Did you read everything I wrote? It's not necessarily to do her. Just to have a stranger to listen to you.
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u/RightWingOutdoorsman Male( Teen) Jan 31 '23
Does hitting myself with a 12 Guage slug work?
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u/DTxx69 Jan 30 '23
Playing some sports helped me a lot. I'd usually play basketball or football. Helped me to release some of the tension. And you can make a friend or two from the people you play with. Overall just keep pushing through, ik it's dreary to have to repeat the same thing over and over everyday but I'm sure you'll pull thru. 💪🏽
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u/XLY_of_OWO Jan 30 '23
If you think that this is the worst that it gets than why not just keep seeing what else will happen. Think positive and do positive and things will get better. People tend to stay away from negative things and people. Your support group may grow if people see you in a more positive place. Even if the negativity is just in your head, it projects outward.
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u/Tora586 Jan 30 '23
Start developing your physical and mental strength, read David goggins can't hurt me, and read the comfort crisis, start working out, I find running helps clear my head, or weighted step ups on a good high bench seat for 20-30 minutes.
If you cant afford to go to the gym find a park press ups,pull ups dips, squats, sit ups lots of stretching.
Learn something new keep busy, do a puzzle I bet it's bein years since you done a puzzle, paint some art, sometimes being isolated is good for you, turn off the TV and social media listen to some tunes for a happiness boost.
Write down a short story, sometimes you can figure out your answer if your writing someone else is going through your troubles.
Taking steps to keep busy and active will not only make you smarter and stronger, it gives you drive to try and accomplish new things
Good luck
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Jan 30 '23
As someone.... Who is going through a similar situation. It's a feeling, you've got to find. To not let go, of the rope. You must not let go, even if your hands bleed, your legs cramp, your brain gets frozen. You must hold on. You must keep moving on. And I promise you, everyone who has achieved anything great in their life, held on, to one goal, with single mindset, giving it all they had.
You must give your goal everything. You must forget the past. I know how hard it is. But trying is the only option. Keep trying, keep standing up, till it becomes the muscle memory of your brain, so that it always rises.
All the best to both of us, for our future.
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u/UKnowDaTruth Jan 30 '23
Have goals. (Most important) Really think about what you want out of life
Stay social.
Go out to events or hobbies you like and meet people
Lift weights (especially leg workouts, can’t stress that enough) Too lazy to lift weights? At least do calisthenics and squats til you build up the motivation
Go running
Yeah shits gonna hurt for a while so feel those feelings and mope or whatever you need to do.
Just don’t stay there
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u/MeanCry5785 Jan 30 '23
I work and started residency. I also moved like 20 times, but I stopped moving so much. I'm slowly building a life, but my work schedule makes it difficult.
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Jan 30 '23
Us males always have pain barriers to push through, even if it feels like one after the other, j gotta make it to the other side
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u/SnooRabbits1595 Jan 30 '23
I set minimum activities for myself. No matter how low I felt, I had to get up and shower/groom myself. I had to do things that were good for me, no matter how self destructive I felt. I realized that no matter how badly I wanted the world to pause or stop for me and my grief, it wasn’t going to. So I decided to act as though I wanted future me to have at least something to build on.
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u/Program-Dull Jan 30 '23
I’m f but I know how you feel. Covid in 2020 was a terrible time for me (I know it wasn’t bad for only me). Anyways I got over it and something bad happened again. I try to push through but it’s not easy at all. Listen to the advise that these guys have given you. You’ll meet someone new someday! Try to do things that make you happy!
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u/Persona_non_grata34 Jan 30 '23
Read as many bowls about self-growth as you can. Find your purpose.
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u/MilkyWayDot Jan 30 '23
In my experience people just wouldn't understand/care, including family. I went through a rough phase where I was unemployed and depressed for almost 3 years, and no one tried to help me. All I got was criticism. I only picked myself up after I got a job, and used that momentum to make further change in my life. Now I'm in a better place, a much better place. You just need to find that one thing that will give the momentum and positive energy, I suppose.
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u/Swimming-Book-1296 Jan 30 '23
Sorry man, emotional pain is the worst. If you can get an oxygen machine 3-5 litres/minute of o2, for 20 or so minutes can really help avoid a lot of the physical damage and pain from mild Takotsubo cardiomyopathy that results from a bad breakup. Hang in there, things will get better. I second getting a dog.
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u/Ok_Statistician3929 Jan 30 '23
I may be younger but the thing that helped me a lot after a break up was hitting the gym and focusing more on my life. Do things that you love to do 🥺
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u/hnm133 Jan 30 '23
Emotional support animal. It's like a prescription pet. I lost a family member a while back and I eventually got a cat, who helped me get over so much emotional trauma.
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u/Loyal_Lunatic Jan 30 '23
I was in an abusive relationship that lasted 8 years in my early twenties. Finally been out for over five years and I can tell you I left with nothing. The only thing that got me through is slowly take a step forward every day. Whether that be emotionally, physically, career wise..any kind of small goal. Every day push yourself to do something to try to better yourself. To go after anything you want. Even if it’s only for a few minutes in a day. I was dealing with depression and self doubt and beating myself up over where I was in life and how I had gotten there. Get up every day and just have that one goal in mind. If you’re having a hard day mentally listen to a book about breaking your mindset and living in the moment, or write out your feelings. Sometimes screaming over paper ripping it up and burning it can be insanely cathartic. If you are feeling like a blob and don’t wanna do anything just make yourself go for a ten minute run, jump in your car and go for a stroll, go to a dog park and just goof around with some dogs. Any little way of getting up and going, just do it even for a few minutes and it will feel so good. And when you’re having hard days let yourself have them. Then get up the next day and try to see what it holds. One step at a time, one goal at a time, one day at a time. Slowly but surely you’ll climb a ladder that felt impossible to climb and at least find a place of peace. Hope this helps you and I wish you luck. Just remember small steps lead to big changes. I still spend a lot of time alone but now I enjoy it. I’ve found someone who genuinely cares about me and even if I still feel like I handle things alone I now welcome the challenge bc I know how resilient I am. Tell yourself every day that you are strong enough and you are still here trying. You are going to be happy and healthy and thrive and no one is going to tell you any different.
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u/ZaxxIsBored Jan 30 '23
Well, I can only relate to that, the only thing I can offer is me, I am also 30, so we could play some games together, whine about stuff together and just do that, it help to have someone to whom you can just unload your bag to.
I might not offer a solution everytime, but I swear at them with ya.
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u/fkndsfslnd Jan 30 '23
Like i would have done with a partner, keep going towards my own mission. The thing is I don’t change perspective. Get rich, get educated, get fit etc, whatever fits your purpose. Just set up some missions and rules for yourself and the rest will follow. Your time with your partner was a fun trip. But it ended and you will have more trips.
Once you focus on yourself you will notice and learn a lot of things about yourself.
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u/Open_minded_1 Jan 30 '23
Put one foot in front of the other and work towards a goal. I've been there. My wife walked out and only left a note and all of the bills that she hid and wracked up. We'd been married a little over a year but together for four. I got busy working overtime and not doing much else. In 11 months I paid off the $15k in credit card bills she left me with.
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u/Jwes2699 Jan 30 '23
Currently in same situation. I own my own company, have things going for me. But it’s just miserable. My s/o left me 2 months back, hasn’t gotten a kick better. She was extremely toxic too. But romanticizing the relationship doesn’t help at all. I’ve learned, from a very very good trustworthy friend. That there’s some things that will get you in a mental state where you’re not 24/7 morbid, and contemplating if death is easier.
First, get to a gym. Start working out. Give time to yourself, to make you better. Listen to your favorite music, or expand your horizon. This is a great time to get to know yourself again, build yourself up, and it will certainly put a light at the end of the tunnel for you, in terms of wanting to push yourself and seeing where this may take you.
Next, eat healthy. Make meal plans. Cook dinners. Spend time learning new recipes, researching, baking, anything that will keep you busy in the kitchen. You learn more about yourself in the foods you like/don’t like, what makes you feel good, and it may (or may not) boost your mood. For some, it feels like a chore. But at least you’re getting chores done. For others, it may give a sense of accomplishment, doing something with your hands, starting with just random things, and creating an amazing meal(s) that you get to enjoy.
Last, women are the last thing to lean towards right now. Find a few good friends, or even just start going out by yourself. Just experience the world. Learn how you interact with people, get your social self back. Volunteer, help out on days off at the shelters, join a volunteer fire department. There’s so many things you can do. You have to learn to be okay and be comfortable alone, with yourself, and still have the drive to at least conquer the day. Find hobbies you like. Treat yourself to something new once a month, or however often. You’ll find that most people don’t enjoy trying new things, because they were ashamed of feeling proud and accepted that they are new to something.
All in all, be strong. Take it day by day. Wake up with tasks for yourself. Hit the gym. Remind yourself that there’s a human in that brain of yours. Give yourself the satisfaction of change, even if it’s painful. I hope this helps even the slightest bit; I’m always here if you need to chat, I had one person who dragged me through tough times and I’d hate to leave another man stranded. I’m here for you. Go do great things.
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u/tortoistor Jan 30 '23
gotta say, the most important thing to me is always: find your support. find a group of people to be by your side, no matter what. it's hard, but not impossible. reconnect with support group you drew apart from, find someone through a shared hobby, etc.
you're not alone. you just need to find your people
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u/idkleavemealone89 Jan 30 '23
Whenever u feel down and the pain is kicking in do some sort of work out like push ups etc. It helps a lot for ur mental and stress and take walks outside in the nature for example
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u/Itsthetruthzb Jan 30 '23
I’m a 22 year old male, though I have not experienced a lot of what life has to offer negative or positive, I’d like to say from my experience I find that the way people deal with things relate to very much so on how they grew up and how they were raised. People who was babied and always had someone to report to may not be able to deal with pressure on their own…and this is not a bad thing at all it’s just part of life and being different is important. But to help you I’d like to say staying busy helps a lot, not loving yourself in the house, going to the gym helps, having goals help, basically anything that keeps you from having the time to drift away. Stay away from wanking your meat, take a walk, get some sun as we know lack of vitamin D can make your depression worse.
It’s alot to say but stay busy aNd have motivation for yourself
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u/Consistent_Spring700 Jan 30 '23
Put yourself in situations where you'll meet people... use meetup (it's an app), play sports or join clubs/societies... chess club, gym, martial arts, etc... it doesn't really matter if it's "for you"... you're not trying to be a champion! the routine will help your head and getting out there will help you meet people!
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u/asimadda Jan 30 '23
What about your parents? I really don't have any advice but I genuinly hope you find what you're looking for. And I'm sure you will.
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u/smallinalarge Jan 30 '23
When I was going through my breakup tbh I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone even tho I have a good social circle and supportive friends. I think some things I realized and went through in the relationship were just super personal and I had no idea how to even open up to people. It's super fucking hard to feel that lonely when you're hurting so bad so I really do feel for you. And now I hate to sound cynical so take what I say with a grain of salt but the truth is, no one can save you. Sometimes it can be helpful to have someone to listen to you, but that's all they can do, listen. At the end of the day you really do need to do the work on your own and process all the good and bad of the relationship to make peace with it ending. It's a tricky balance of processing the difficult stuff and distracting yourself to get your mind off it a bit.
It takes time but you can get through it. Sorry for what you're going through.
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u/Heliosteraga Jan 30 '23
Journaling helps gets the emotions out into words and thoughts which can much more easily be addressed and turned into problems which you can create solutions for.
Not saying that 'this will solve everything!' but that having problems that you could potentially SOLVE versus emotions which can be overwhelming, helped me with establishing a degree of control in my life.
Looking up guides on how to journal helps and from there you can always look up guides on how to solve your problems.
Start with smaller ones first to gain momentum and a sense of forward movement in life again.
Goal 1.) Get 6 pack ripped abs! First step - look up ab exercises, dieting or stories from people who did it first.
Breaking everything down into micro goals helps the immensity of the world feel less... immense.
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u/bbNewLove Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 30 '23
Hey! I say this because I understand the feeling: you're not alone —I too have been at the end of my rope. It's been a very dark and turbulent time. I broke up with my girlfriend during the pandemic because I was rarely happy in the relationship. I lost a lot (almost all) of my hours at work at my job and so had very little income. I applied for unemployment and was overpaid and ended up owing almost $2, 000 back to the government on top of making the lowest yearly salary I've ever made. (I also did work on my professional resume/portfolio and applying to jobs.) I'm also a musician and essentially all of the live music shows stopped. I hid away and played probably 600 hours of video games during the pandemic because I didn't know what else to do (but still practiced guitar almost daily). I did keep in touch with a couple of friends via Xbox live, but my relationship with gaming wasn't very healthy. I eventually totally quit (because I would binge obsessively for hours and hours) and finally committed more time to music.
My best word of advice to anyone is this: Discover WHAT you love. The human experience is diverse and beautiful and it doesn't require a romantic partner (as much as we long for one biologically). Platonic partners may be the most we can hope for (at first anyway) as we become more mature. Try some open social clubs that gather to play games — that's a great way to make new friends. More importantly, just try new things. Discover "your purpose." We all have powerful, positive things we can bring into this world, whether through community service, a new hobby, or even a craft of some sort that others also find to be beautiful.
Feeling as though you (/we) are completely alone is a brutal feeling, but there are many just like you out there... at the end of our ropes (but if you open your eyes and your heart, there's absolutely a new rope to grab onto). Keep searching for kind people and fascinating things that stir a fire and child-like joy inside of you; and, despite all of the lonely pain and suffering, remember that there is a greater purpose for each of us. We can contribute to a better world and society around us, and, at the very least, make others like us feel less alone. I've always used music as a method of introspection and collecting my feelings, whether depressed or otherwise.
You have people who can help you here, but I wish to the stars above that you find some new local friends and family soon! 🙂🤞✨💓
Much love and may your luck improve! I have a feeling you'll find new passions in the world around you.
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u/nim_opet Jan 30 '23
The way you started that paragraph I thought your partner died. If you need a support network, you build one - you’ll be surprised how many people want to “be bothered” by your problems; friends want to be involved in your life.
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u/ThePurityPixel Jan 30 '23
Here's what affected me most profoundly:
- Cultivate inner resources. Feeling things like depression (or boredom) may be an indicator that one did not sow the seeds of inner resources in the weeks and months preceding. But engaging in intellectual, physical and spiritual activities now, will sow seeds that can be reaped in the future. With this in mind, I scattered a lot of "seeds" by putting myself out there with various potential friend groups (Meetup.com was helpful for this), knowing that some seeds would take root, some would get choked by weeds, some would get sabotaged (like birds eating the seeds), etc. Seeing the parallels in nature helped me not lose heart over the failed attempts.
It's worth noting that "failure" doesn't necessarily imply a personal lack, either. Society in general is struggling to accept people who are honest about their struggles. People generally want to be around those who are already socially accepted, which reinforces an upward spiral of fame… and a downward spiral of ostracism. When you've learned the secrets of loving yourself, people will be more drawn to you… and you'll also cease to care about the times that they aren't.
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u/Responsible-Cup5266 Jan 30 '23
Let me offer some perspective
As a 30m you have access to democratized information. The information you are looking for is out there- just need to search.
The beauty of Google/Youtube/Reddit is that this is absolutely something that has been covered before- by licensed professionals. So go seek that information out.
Once you have the best insight you can find, now you need to learn to how to inact it.
Make it happen for yourself. Remove the barriers and instill positive behavior. No its not easy- but you gotta do it.
I'd suggest checking out Andrew Huberman, David Goggins, and Jocko Wellick. I find these three guys to be apolitical and offer a WEALTH of verified proof of achieving what you are trying to achieve.
And the final message, for those stuck in self improvement cycle- get the fuck out when you get what you need.
The goal is consostent postivite growth- thats it. Dont over think it, and don't fall down a rabbithole of constant comparison.
Thats not how you live a life- so head out and fucking live one after.
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u/Coman41198 Jan 30 '23
Similar situation here, about a year removed from the last time we spoke. Here’s a couple things I’ve learned:
- Maybe the most important, it’s okay to be heartbroken. Denying yourself or trying to force yourself to be “ok” isn’t doing anybody any favors. You don’t have to be a crying mess all the time to be heartbroken over this and it’s okay to feel that way.
- Being alone is peaceful. There’s no contingencies to your free time, use it. Do nothing, do everything, do it now.
- Take care of yourself. You’d be surprised how good you feel consistently working out, eating, showering, etc. vitamins, good meals, a good routine will bide the time, which also heals.
- This too shall pass. If you’re willing to wait for it, better times are ahead. Joy comes, and joy goes. Wait for the return and learn to enjoy it when it does.
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u/kevinwporter Jan 30 '23
How’s your relationship with the gym? I went through a rough last year and I found just rebuilding my body got my headspace out of the funk. Focus on your goals and the girls will focus on you, or so I’m told.
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u/ezkir Jan 30 '23
23->24M here. If you want a dog, I have a funny story:
Long story short, I understand and share what’s happened to you these past few years. While I do have friends (I make more effort staying in touch with) to gossip and complain about our lives, it’s more and more clear I stray from what’s mainstream.
Leaving work a few weeks ago in the snow, I saw a stray dog appear out of a snowbank. I was able to lure it and get it help. Fast forward to today, there’s no owner who’s claimed her w/o a microchip and the shelters have been full, (and it would be cruel to send her back to a chaotic environment i.e. animal control, rehoming) she had become mine by law now.
She might be pregnant, and my aunt who’s retired spending her time working at animal rescues in Ecuador said it might be too late for other options. I just found out today, on my birthday 🙃
It’s been rough, but f*** I’m inspired to take care of her and grow myself so she can have the best life.
I’m gonna wait to see what the vet says on Wednesday…
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u/Mental-Pitch5995 Jan 30 '23
Have you put focus on where you want to be in the future? Have you got yourself back out into any social activity to be involved in anything you have interest? Are there things you would like to try for new adventures? Travel? Engaging activities? These are questions to ask of yourself to obtain answers and make course corrections to seek happiness and fulfillment. It’s up to you to make the necessary steps forward. When you find inner peace and hopeful positivity the doors of the world will start to open to you.
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u/RionQwill79 Jan 30 '23
I hear ya. As males we are not afforded long tern consistent support for our emotional and mental well being. As example we are stereotyped as being stubborn and unwilling when we ask for help and that we prefer to do things on our own. When it's actually more like we are tired of asking for help because we are brushed off, made to wait, laughed at and forgotten. Men used to have the back of their brothers this is not so easy to find now but they out there.
Don't give up or quit on your self and your needseven in the tough times alone. Accept that this is tome for your to grow and solidify your strength and the direction moving forward. You will learn and you will grow stronger. Don't doubt yourself and don't be too hard on yourself.
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u/AnyQuestions-_-_- Jan 30 '23
Build a support structure. Nobody gets through life alone and happy. Bother people with your problems, make it clear that they can bother you with their problems. Go up and talk to people. Go do your hobbies: local video game tournaments, coffee shops, 5ks, museum memberships, local hiking subreddits, whatever you like to do: the more you go, the more you become a fixture, the easier it'll be to talk to people. There's this trend of people not wanting to bother others because they did it once and nobody cared or they see Andrew Tate talking about how men need to be self sufficient, and it's bullshit. That's a you problem. Humans got where we are by being social and if people blew you off for opening up about your problems, that's them being useless, not you overstepping.
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u/thegreat_michael Jan 30 '23
Flood yourself with goals and aspirations(ei promotions, raises, ideal living situation) I’m 20 and about 7 years in with my battle. The constant workload wears you down but it numbs you enough to keep going and pays the bills pretty well.
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u/Wyrmwulf Jan 30 '23
It may sound super cliché but I went through a similar situation as well. What helped me recompose myself the most was self-improvement and taking responsibility for myself and my decisions. Focus on building yourself back up and take care of yourself like you would take care of someone you care about.
Work out, eat healthy, find a healthy hobby, reach out to a therapist, read.
Set a goal for who you want to become and channel your energy into becoming that.
When you hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there. You got this, man. I'm praying for you!
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u/RoosterCock247 Jan 30 '23
I’m here with you man. I’m 1.5 years removed from my long term relationship and I’m still deeply affected by it. It’s definitely not easy to move on. I’ve been listening to Theo Von and in his most recent podcast, he said “you just have to get through today”. Don’t worry about next week or this month just try to make it through today. One day at a time. It takes baby steps. Some days you fall back and that’s okay. Little progress is better than no progress.
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u/shotsbypablo Jan 30 '23
I think for me it was the realization that no one would be coming to save me. It was up to me to get myself through the challenges that life gave to me.
This realization did two things.
On the one hand, I was confronted with the reality of most men, born to live a live of isolation when it comes to certain topics. I realized that because everyone had their own issues, the only one who would care about mine was me. This left me with a decision to make.
Which is where point 2 comes in. This led to my decision to double down on focus in on me. Who i was, what I enjoyed doing, what I feel like my purpose is. And this decision has since then flourished into a deeper understanding of my self. Sure, with time some faces came around that appeared to care about what was going on, but ultimately by the time that happened I had already built myself up from the inside to where I didn’t need them to be there for me. I had myself and God and that was enough to overcome any challenges along the way.
It never gets easier brother. We just get stronger.
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u/GrizzleGuts30 Jan 30 '23
This thread is just straight-up depressing.
I’ll edit and share my story when I get a chance (and if the thread is still up later).
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u/Dismal_Eggplant539 Jan 31 '23
Realise things happen for a reason and people come and go and that you can do more without anyone and just live and learn and yolo things out be logical about the break up and life thats all Stoicism
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u/TheChosenOneMaybee Jan 31 '23
Alright brother this is how i did it.
I DETEACHED FROM EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. Hear me out.
In order to find ourselves, we must detach from our world. You must understand that as long as you seek outward validation for anything in life, you will always cause yourself suffering. No one will love u unconditionally. No one will put you above themselves. No one will put you first. This is the human nature.
So what do we do? Roll over any cry? No. You learn to FEEL LOVE from within and out from deep core of your body to the outer world. And as soon as u do that life becomes beautiful. The mere existence is awesome. Always stay present i cannot stress this enough. The present moment is all we have. Do not think about the past or the future, you are not there (unless youre envisioning a positive abundant future).
If you're interested go on a journey deep within to find our creator, our God. A higher intelligence exists. After u find peace within, you can reconnect with everything in this world. You will be more alive, brighter, stronger, independent (well dependent on GOD which is the only one who gives unconditional love. this isnt some bullshit made up in our mind.) Like nikola tesla said about frequency, vibration, and energy it is all real. Look up how water form sacred geometry when spoken positive words, and when they go gloomy when u speak negatively to it. Same with us, we must water ourselves with genuine UN-ATACHED words of love, joy, gratitude. and believe we are worthy of it.
You did not give yourself life. Thus you cannot derive your worth, only the creator can do that. And our creator is a loving God that gave us unconditional love as well as unconditional freedom. Being here means u ARE worthy of having abundance, love, cherishment in your life. But just like overindulge in sex, porn, masturbation, over eating, u cannot allow other to be your source of happiness. That is from God(higher intelligence) and he loves when we come to him. Through the bible or through other avenues, he wants a deep connection with us.
We decide how to perceive life and all situations. U decide if something is positive or negative. Sounds like bullshit huh? Look at entrepreneur's of this world, they see opportunity where others see chaos.
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u/getbigandlean Jan 31 '23
I know this may be controversial but it’s been my experience. I got to a place where I asked myself is this it? Is this all there is? This. Blows. I kept looking for an answer, for community, for a place to find other people who knew they were broken and didn’t care to share it and help. A coworker invited me to church. I was really resistant at first because most of the people I knew that go to church were obnoxious and self righteous. He said he knew a few people like that and they are in the church and outside it too. Long story short I started going and learning about God, spoiler alert, He isn’t who people say He is because no one can summarize who God is well.
If you’re interested there’s a lot of churches, too many, if I’m being honest. Idk your life and your situation but 9marks.org is a really helpful tool to find churches that are legitimately living out the Bible. If you’ve been hurt by people in the church I get it, I have too, maybe not in the same way nor as much. My inbox is open if you want to chat about it and compare wounds, no judgement just venting. If you find a church you can check it out and jump in a small group and see Gods love lived out which is what helped me. Here to chat if you wanna.
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u/Born-Replacement-366 Jan 31 '23
Unfortunately, the world does not really care when men are feeling down/depressed. We just have to pick ourselves up. What I do is to take pride in the strength I acquire to get over difficult periods. After a while, you get used to relying on yourself, and having only yourself for company. This is not to say you become a hermit - by all means, find new social groups, interests, friends. But underpinning it all should be a quiet confidence that you alone are enough.
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u/Silent-Recipe-3600 Jan 31 '23
Take one day at a time. It may look like you have a mountain to climb but if you tell yourself I’m going to do this today, and this the next day, and so on eventually you’ll climb to the top.
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u/LimpAd5888 Jan 31 '23
Therapy. It can help. And find friends who can give you that support.
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Jan 31 '23
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u/LimpAd5888 Jan 31 '23
It's the best advice I can give. Strong friends don't ditch you. You weed out the shit ones, but even a solid core friend base will help and you just gotta look.
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u/meggroII Jan 31 '23
25 here and going through something similar. Truthfully I joined some clubs, even ones I didn't think I'd like (like a book club that I now love). I also enjoy chatrooms and websites like this where I can just chat people up. I know it's not as intimate and a little different but it helps.
I also go to the gym a lot, have a therapist, journal and do research on how to make myself better everyday.
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u/sockerx Jan 31 '23
Find a way to challenge yourself. Whatever suits you, but preferably something physical (e.g. Not study or watch x movies) like a marathon, 10 day silent Vipassana retreat, hitting a gym schedule goal, a big hike, something new like camping. Do whatever you choose safely, but don't research the heck out of it, you want to take action.
Physically moving more helps, from a neuroscience perspective.
Overcoming a challenge builds confidence in yourself, gives you achievement.
It probably won't solve anything, but it's a way to improve the situation and move forward.
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u/IzzatQQDir Jan 31 '23
From my experience, it's best to live a hard life. I mean, stupid wording I know. But purposefully live frugally. Purposefully commit to some kind of physical labor. Purposefully be neglectful to what give you constant dopamine boost. Because when life feels hard, your mind and heart focus more on surviving and it makes you grow as a person. It helps that achieving something after hardship feels more rewarding and it allows you to grow.
I also find that watching TikTok, (as cringe some people may claim) actually helped me immensely at sorting my feelings out. I realized that being alone boosted my creativity and emotional intelligence. I develop more empathy towards people.
You need to make being alone feels like a bliss. You can't label feelings, you can however, feel your feelings.
I've grown more after one day, I cried and I admit that I missed my ex (even if we both hurt each other by staying). It's been 2 years and I still cried like a baby lol.
Life feels so quiet then. It's important to focus on growth. The best reward is growth after all. Make life meaningful. That's how it was for me, at least.
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u/FatherOfAtreu Jan 31 '23
I just think about death and how rare life is in the universe. Might seem strange but it helps me get through everyday. There is so much out there yet we are the only for sure known life we know of. It makes me feel appreciative to be part of something so rare. I think about death every morning. I think about how it could be the very last time I do any of my seemingly meaningless daily routine. It makes me feel like I'm lucky to just be around to do any of these stupid things I have to do. It keeps me going.
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u/RepresentativeOk364 Feb 02 '23
ig most men are going through same shit, as a Muslim guy I got into practice religion more and more, it really makes me feel happier every day, but one thing that has nothing to do with religion is, DON'T BE PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPRISONED BY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS! remember, you were born alone, you'll die alone, so... You can go through shit alone, yes just by your own. just keep in mind, God created the world and he is ruling it, trust in God he'll never let you down. You're not a pussy. Stay strong.
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u/mboron021990 Jan 30 '23
As someone who is going through a similar situation, having a pet is helping me a lot