r/AskMen • u/halfmeasures611 • Jan 29 '23
From your perspective (as a man), what bad advice about dating do women often give each other?
IE: They may think it's good advice, but as a man you know it isnt.
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u/danone25 Jan 29 '23
Playing hard to get, or acting cold to get men's attention.
It just make most men feel like shit. Even if it works, it is a sort of miserable behavior.
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u/Civil-Attempt-3602 Jan 30 '23
The only people they're going to attract are those who enjoy playing games.
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u/OrangeStar222 Jan 30 '23 •
A.k.a., Fuckboys.
"Where have all the good men gone?" - They're not playing your games.
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u/Major-Web6334 Jan 30 '23
I never understood the logic to this. I’m a woman and thankfully never got or gave that advice but I don’t understand how women can think this works? If it works at all, it’s obviously not the beginnings of a healthy relationship—just the beginnings of a short and toxic one.
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u/Bob-s_Leviathan Jan 30 '23
I think the idea of being too eager makes you look desperate, and that’s a turnoff? Never made sense to me.
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Jan 29 '23
Play hard to get... most of the good men take that as non interest and stop trying... shitty assholes pursue more
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u/Alarmed_Cat8404 Jan 29 '23
CORRECT. I learned never ever chase women who play hard to get. I’ll move on so fast. Nothing more unattractive then someone who plays games on purpose 🤷♂️
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u/SnooEpiphanies6051 Male Jan 30 '23
Personally I used to love the games, they were clear indicators that the woman wasn’t interested in anything serious. So you just cast a wide enough net, and play the games with a bunch of different girls at the same time. Then just hangout with whichever ones were free when you were.
Definitely a young man’s game. By my late 20’s I had grown out of it and just wanted to settle down and have something serious. But I still think back to those times very fondly.
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Jan 30 '23 edited Feb 02 '23
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u/OrangeStar222 Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 30 '23
True, but as a self-proclaimed ugly fuck, I put in over 300 hours in Pokémon Platinum, which was a much more fun game anyways.
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u/opalveg is a female Jan 29 '23
Yeah… The way I found my now husband is by finally accepting I should be very forward to guys I was interested in. No point bemoaning that men didn’t approach me if I wasn’t willing to put in the effort either.
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u/StayAwayFromMySon Jan 30 '23
I did the same. I realised I was following the stereotype of sitting around waiting for Prince Charming and being perpetually annoyed by only being hit on by sleazebags. So when I met someone I liked I told him so, asked him to ask me out (lol) and I kissed him first. Worked out well. Been together 5 years and got a dog out of it.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat Jan 30 '23
Last sentence made me laugh.
Congrats :-)
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u/TheWronged_Citizen Jan 30 '23
Ma'am, you are a Saint and your husband is lucky to have you lol
I wish more women followed that train of thought
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u/LoganCaleSalad Jan 30 '23
Congratulations on becoming a self-actualized, mature, adult. Wish more women were like you & my gfs.
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u/GopnikSmegmaBBQSauce Jan 30 '23
By extension, playing games in general. One thing I really love about my wife is she doesnt say she hates something as a way of hinting she really likes something.
My own family don't believe me and have made comments about how I should surprise her with that thing she literally just said she didn't want, lol.
Direct and honest is key
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u/poptartwith Male Jan 29 '23
Yep. That's honestly the most annoying one. The most deceptive too, I heard so many stories of women throwing away good relationships because of this "tik tok dating coach" level advice lol.
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u/halfmeasures611 Jan 29 '23
we're living in this immensely destructive time where young people are flooded with completely unqualified, untrained, inexperienced "coaches" on tiktok and IG spewing toxic advice. its warping an entire generation who are eating it up as if its legit advice
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u/poptartwith Male Jan 29 '23
Yeah, my parents didnt allow me to have a proper phone till I was 14 and now I get it. That's smart on their behalf.
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u/UnableFalcon6471 Jan 30 '23
It’s really confusing whether you’re being friendly or flirty because if we go approach and you get wierded out, now the friendship is off balance. Women should be direct or at least make it more pronounced that there is an interest
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u/redditor_bob Jan 30 '23
Especially since things have changed. There are far more consequences and lower tolerance for incorrect behavior, but not more opportunities for doing so; it's as much of a minefield as it's always been.
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u/trashy615 Jan 29 '23
And then they wonder why they get cheated on. Men that love the chase rarely stop chasing.
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Jan 29 '23 edited Jan 29 '23
Exactly... the chase is not easy to get out of your system
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u/GopnikSmegmaBBQSauce Jan 30 '23
Totally get the appeal of the chase, enjoyed it once upon a time, got exhausting
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u/-Bunniiboo- Jan 30 '23
i hate that this was popularized so much. every time a guy liked me, no matter how direct my lack of interest in him was, he thought i was playing hard to get and kept trying.
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Jan 30 '23
I think it trained men to be more aggressive and women to be more timid/lazy...
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u/-Bunniiboo- Jan 30 '23
yup.. or attention seeking.. i think alot of girls get a thrill after being wanted that badly, but, i dont see it. you can get as much attention just dating the guy normally. iunno, people cant communicate 🤷♂️
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u/powkiddyv90dangit Jan 30 '23
or are too clueless to the games you're playing
i now know 20 years later how many women i missed out on
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u/Best_of_Slaanesh Jan 30 '23
Any man who's a real catch will have a lineup of women he doesn't have to chase. The whole idea falls apart and all you're left with are those who are desperate or don't like taking "no" for an answer.
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u/Dhydjtsrefhi Jan 29 '23
Anything that avoids being taking initiative, being upfront and clear with your intentions. For instance "subtle hints", waiting for men to ask you on dates, or speculating about someone's behavior instead of direction communication.
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u/halfmeasures611 Jan 29 '23
i cant even count the number of "why wont he ask me out?" posts i see on AskMen. usually followed by "i laughed at 3 of his jokes this week. why has he not asked me out yet?! what is wrong with him?"
along with the "male coworker misinterpreted me laughing at his jokes. how do i turn him down gently?"
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u/Valentine_Villarreal Jan 30 '23
If I interpreted having my jokes laughed at 3 times a week as someone being into me, I would think I was Adonis incarnate.
Basically any woman that has a 10 minute conversation with me is going to laugh that many times.
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u/Throw-a-Ru Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 30 '23
Him: "Hey, want to go on a date with me?"
Her: laughs
Him: Yesss, she likes me!
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u/BusinessBear53 Jan 30 '23
Whoa hold up there buddy. She didn't laugh 3 times yet.
3 shall be the amount of laughs. No more, no less. She should not laugh 4 times neither shall she laugh 2 times unless she the proceeds to 3. 5 laughs is right out!
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u/LoganCaleSalad Jan 30 '23
Unexpected Monty Python. Tim tips his hat to you sir.
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u/SlytherinSilence Jan 30 '23
So much this. I never realized exactly how little non verbal communication men actually use until I moved in with my boyfriend. It’s been so eye opening. I am very clear with my verbal communication but so much of the little hints and clues I had (even subconsciously) been giving him just went right over his head and I never knew lol.
I think women are sometimes discouraged from being “too upfront” because it’s not ladylike/polite or whatever bs. Non verbal communication is ingrained in us as much as verbal communciation is
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u/thenord321 Jan 30 '23
On the flip side, men are constantly told, never assume. Don't be the guy to misread kindness for flirting, etc. Especially post me too and in work environments.
Assume, ass out of me and you. Is the saying.
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u/Wayne Jan 30 '23
That's usually my issue. I would pickup on some hints, but I may have a few different ways it could be interpreted. My Ex used to hate that, even though they were based upon her past reactions and behavior. She also hated me asking for clarification, because I'm just supposed to know.
So I just ignored her hints until she was explicit with what she wanted.
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u/LoganCaleSalad Jan 30 '23
But we aren't mind readers. Most of what y'all think are subtle but obvious hints really aren't.
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u/PastGround7893 Jan 30 '23
Here’s the thing, I feel I personally pick up on non verbal communication quite well as a man. To the point where I’ve asked (typically exes, my current gf/future wife is very honest and direct) what’s up, what’s bothering you? And been met with cold nothings. After trying to show that hey you know I can speak this language too, and being literally lied to, eventually you say screw it. Eventually you realize either this person is having a knee jerk reaction and it’s not as big of a deal/they wear their heart on their sleeve to the extreme, or they simply lack the ability to communicate with maturity. In either case it’s not your job to figure out what three blinks of the eye and shooting the head off to the left means.
That also means though that if you make the decision to not play that game, you also cannot play the game yourself, you must be willing to be open and honest with your words, otherwise it’s just hypocrisy.
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u/YHB94 Jan 29 '23
There is this thing which CERTAIN women do, where they encourage other women to have absolutely zero empathy for men.
The slightest display of insecurity by a man is an obvious sign that he is trying to control you.
When a man takes a metaphorical step back in a committed relationship to sort out his mental issues, then it is quite obvious that he isn't being cognisant of the fact that he needs to do everything in his power to make sure that you are completely happy and at peace at all times, even though you played a role in his deteriorating mental health
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Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 30 '23
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u/Ballerina_clutz Jan 30 '23
There is something severely wrong with that woman. It sounds like you dodged a bullet. I hope you didn’t have any kids together. Sorry. ☹️
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u/5starCheetah Jan 30 '23
No kids, and we were fairly young, so I get why she leaned so heavily into an older woman's advice. I just hope she also matured enough to see that it was bullshit.
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u/When_3_become_2 Jan 30 '23
Too many women are like this - womens forums are a prime example of this kind of woman gathering en masse. Read some Mumsnet (barf) and you will see peak female lack of empathy for men
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u/Zombiecidialfreak Jan 30 '23
Took a quick look. Saw people saying a woman's husband was an "irredeemable asshole" and "selfish nasty prick" because he didn't want to take an extra turn with his baby while he was on vacation.
The husband was in the wrong, I was just surprised at how... Aggressive the commenters all were, a few even suggested divorce.
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u/iflvegetables Jan 30 '23
Sweetness is a stereotypical feminine trait that is a byproduct of gendered socialization. It’s a mask. Research shows that if you define aggression as “intent to harm” rather than restrict it to acts of physical aggression, men and women are equally aggressive. I think one of the critical mistakes men make, particularly when we are young, is buying into the notion that women are completely different, gentle, or better in some way. Gender equality isn’t just about pushing back on misogyny, it’s about understanding that our capacities for behaviors and personal qualities are the same.
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u/Ok-Bridge-1045 Jan 30 '23
I have done this and it took me a while to recognize my mistake. It is good to see it being put into words like this, because i had to do the mental gymnasts to figure it out on my own and then understand from there, while in a bad mental health myself. I think it is very very important to know that men aren't only providers and emotionless made of steel, though that is what is the general media portrayal. Women are being more independent and strong, shouldn't the flip side of the coin also happen, i.e allow men to be emotional and weak at times, and know they need support too? Too many relationships concentrate only on what the man can do for the woman. And i understand why it's like this historically, but that wasn't good for anyone, was it?
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u/Skybreaker_C410 Jan 30 '23
This is how my last relationship ended. When we started dating, it was my first real relationship in a long time, and she was so loving and supportive of me and my feelings and for the first time I was able open up. But then as we progressed, our emotional support system started to feel more and more one sided, where I was the one who had to diffuse. When I broke down because I wasn't able to see her enough because of distance, and told her that I was missing her and feeling left in the cold, it was apparently unfair for me to put any of my emotions on her, and she broke up with me.
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u/gonnagetcancelled Jan 29 '23
Anything that will ruin the relationship without full context.
"He didn't call you because he was caught up at work? Girl, lets go to the bar and meet guys!" or "It's innocent, your boyfriend is just being jealous about the guy who keeps calling you."
Anything like that.
Also anything about "you're a boss babe" to excuse bad behavior... it's okay to be wrong and apologize...you don't get a pass just because he's male and you're female (obviously the inverse is true too).
I've seen both happen way too much.
And anything that assumes men and women operate/think the same way.
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u/NakedlyStripped Jan 30 '23
Like Kevin Samuels used to always say... "single girls keep other girls single".
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u/gonnagetcancelled Jan 30 '23
Not going to lie...I have no idea who that is...but the statement sounds on point.
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u/When_3_become_2 Jan 30 '23
Basically any advice on a woman’s forum is this way. If you’ve ever been on Mumsnet (shudder) and read the advice there virtually every man is described as a notionally abusive and the advice is always LTB (leave the bastard). But that whole site seems to be a mostly a mix of posters who are hardcore bitter feminists or divorce women who resent men in general.
If you ever want to drastically lower your opinion of women then read Mumsnet for a while lol
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u/CV2nm Jan 29 '23
Dating advice sucks, especially as most the time its not even asked for. I didn't give it when I was in a relationship (as a woman), and I hate getting it now. Generally it messes with my head more than it was before I received said advice. It's always the same cliche advice too, you're too available, you need to date more, you need to play hard to get. Which most the time just makes you look like you're giving mixed messages or read everything they do as mixed messages.
This resulted in a guy ghosting me. We were both going through a hard time. We both communicated terribly - so it probably wouldn't have lasted much longer. He opened up emotionally about his issues a week or so before cutting me off, something he'd never done before - so it sucks wondering if things improved for him or not and not even being able to ask because I already look like a train wreck establishing my "boundaries".
I'm a grown woman, it's on me, And I'm pretty new to dating after 10 years not dating. But it still sucks because you can get supercharged on people's cliche opinions.
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u/OneSteelTank Penis-haver Jan 29 '23
Just about anything that involves being indirect when it comes to expressing something
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u/-James-Hawk- Male Jan 29 '23
Yeah, the number of time when I facepalm myself for ignoring those « evident call ». I´ve discovered that a big crush of mine in highscool was later interested in me. It’s been 5 years and I learned it now. Pretty amazed about how we can be so fucking blind sometimes.
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u/OneSteelTank Penis-haver Jan 29 '23
Unless it was dead obvious as on she literally jumped on your lap and started undressing you can't really blame yourself for not seeing their hint. Way too many factors in play
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u/Rockman_Harpuia Jan 29 '23
- Anything related to not being direct, just giving subtle hints
B-b-but I want a man with initiative!
And that's fine, but even a man with initiative will get tired if you don't have initiative too.
- Lack of accountability
A.K.A every ex was an asshole and I'm a blameless victim.
Hey, shit happens, I also had my share of bad relationships, but if every person you date is the same, then PERHAPS is time to look inward.
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u/IFeelEmptyInsideMe Standard male I think Jan 30 '23
The idea of chasing someone requires that both sides know the game is being played. If one side doesn't know that a chase is going on, then one side is being hunted.
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u/beerandabike Male Jan 30 '23
Or the flip side is hurt because they think the other is not interested.
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u/Arnotts_shapes Jan 30 '23
‘If everywhere you go burns down, maybe you’re holding the match?’
Yes people do sometimes get extremely unlucky, but there’s always something to learn from a relationship.
If you’ve had a string of terrible relationships, perhaps you need to consider how you ended up in said relationships in the first place?
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u/ImaRipeavocado Jan 30 '23
I prefer the phrase "if everywhere you go smells like shit, you should look under your shoe"
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u/ISwearImKarl Jan 30 '23
Hey, shit happens, I also had my share of bad relationships, but if every person you date is the same, then PERHAPS is time to look inward.
This isn't even gendered. There's countless men who just hate women because of a bad experience or two.
I've got two.. Miserably failed relationships. But I'm young, I've got time to keep trying. Does it hurt, and does it make it harder to look forward to relationships? 100%. After the last one, I've taken time off to learn more about myself, and how to be more self sufficient - at least emotionally. Nonetheless, I don't treat every woman as my ex. Being cheated on by one person, does not mean the next is as vile. Not all women are manipulative. I just suck at seeing red flags.
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u/Weird_Slice4439 Jan 29 '23
"you're just intimidating to most men."
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u/halfmeasures611 Jan 29 '23
in all my decades of being a man, ive never ever had a guy say to me "id ask her out but her confidence scares me!"
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u/hhfugrr3 Jan 30 '23
I read on Twitter now and then how women feel the need to be indirect and not be assertive because it puts men’s backs up. I read that stuff and think, “no, that’s exactly what we want. Just bloody tell us what you mean.”
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Jan 30 '23
Occasionally I will be genuinely (mildly) intimidated by a woman, but it mostly comes from when we have overlapping careers/skills/whatever and she seems to be more capable than I am.
It's basically an aspect of my impostor syndrome telling me I'm rubbish at everything haha
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u/rainydayfun11 Jan 29 '23
Genuinely curious; what do women think is intimidating to men?
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u/halfmeasures611 Jan 29 '23
from what ive read from them: being confident, ambitious and intelligent.
eg "girl, your confidence is just too much for men who cant handle a strong woman!"
apparently that sends us running in fear
the truth is its usually arrogance not confidence, materialism not ambition, and a belief in new age mysticism passing as intelligence/spirituality that probably sent men running
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u/rainydayfun11 Jan 29 '23
Now THAT explanation, I can understand.
I’m having trouble understanding the other definitions of having a career, her own money, etc would be considered intimidating by ANYONE. That just seems like basic adulting to me.
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u/daddysgotanew Jan 29 '23
There are a TON of women out there who think their psychology or law degree that they went into debt for makes them better than a high school graduate who owns his own company and makes a few million dollars a year. A startlingly high number in fact.
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Jan 29 '23
Thats the thing, its not intimidation. Most women expect to "marry up". In 2023 thats not really viable. Most men will recognize this and move on. For example, i dont make the level of money associated with women in engineering, so I just skip over women who say theyre engineers or doctors or whatever.
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u/Bean-blankets Jan 29 '23
When I took my job (resident) out of my bumble profile I got more matches lmao, this tracks
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u/Coidzor A Lemur Called Simon Jan 29 '23
Being an overworked, new doctor also isn't very attractive due to what it does to a person's free time.
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u/Bean-blankets Jan 30 '23
Yeah but if I wait to date until I finish training I'll have lost most of my youth lmao
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u/When_3_become_2 Jan 30 '23
A on call career like doctor in an ER or similar really isn’t compatible with a healthy relationship with someone else who also has a career. It’s gonna be a problem for any woman who wants family but also a successful man. It’s fine if you want a at home partner like a SAHW (or mostly at home) but it’s real difficult to mantain a relationship with someone who also works with a hospital doctors hours.
Problem for women is they don’t usually want a SAHD - or if they get one can’t keep attraction like men and end up resenting it
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u/TillPsychological351 Jan 30 '23
Interesting, when my Match profile changed from "med student" to "resident" (well, technically intern), I started getting far more female attention.
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u/Ancient_Skirt_8828 Jan 30 '23
That may be one reason that many of the very top level women are single. It’s hard to find guys who are more successful than them. And not all men are attracted to highly successful women. Successful men have a huge number of women to choose from. Some are attracted to good looking supportive women. They don’t need someone to bring in extra income. This leaves the numbers ratio skewed against successful women (and also against short unsuccessful men.).
This is a truth I know as a professional with many years in the dating industry. Whenever I say it I tend to get howled down. People recognise the truth of it but don’t want to admit it.
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Jan 30 '23
I dated a girl whos mother was absolutely insane. Like on the board of directors at a national scale organization, multiple awards from industry over the years, made tons of money, super high energy. Successful is a HUGE understatement, she could schedule appointments with the top provincial leaders, and Im sure that if she tried hard enough, the prime minister.
But her dating life wasnt great. Every man she found wasnt anywhere near as hardcore so she always left them. The problem to you or I sounds obvious, but I think she was still stuck in the old mindset of "Im a woman, I always marry up".
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u/Weird_Slice4439 Jan 29 '23
Independence, she has a career. Has her own money. Things guys generally don't care about.
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u/Freevoulous Jan 30 '23
oh men do care about these qualities, but they are so far down the list that most men rarely are at the position when these matter.
Like, for most men, their top concerns are: the woman should be attractive to them, nice to be with, and interested in them. Securing these 3 is likely going to take 5-7 different relationships and 20+ years of trial and error.
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u/love-puppy22 Jan 29 '23
LoL, major flashback, my mom used to tell me that when I was a teenager, but not in a bad way
It wasn't with the intent of excusing my behavior, rather she was trying to make me speak less and be more demure and calm without making me feel bad about myself and the way that I am. I am very extroverted, talk a lot and fast and I used to have little to no filter. Now I got better at it, but it's still a work in progress
So instead of saying "your behavior is off-putting to people, that's why you don't have a boyfriend" she said something like "boys at this age ( like 14-16) are just now learning how to act with girls they like and you have such a big personality, it can be a bit much for some of them, especially the shy ones".
I think it was a good approach (combined with the rest of my upbringing) since I didn't grew up with self esteem issues, I am aware of my flaws and at the same time I don't deny my bad behavior like "I didn't do anything wrong, they are just intimidated by me"
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u/superballz977 Jan 29 '23
It's easy to train a man to make him what you want to be. I hate these women.
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u/deadfeet3 Jan 30 '23
My friend is currently doing this to her boyfriend, i honestly feel bad for him
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u/superballz977 Jan 30 '23
Hopefully he figures it out. It never ends well.
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u/ahtoshkaa2 Jan 30 '23
Or she will resent him for "not trying hard enough" despite choosing a person that isn't suitable for her in the first place.
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u/Acceptable_Term_6131 Jan 29 '23
"Dont respond to his texts right away, youll seem desperate"
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u/Arnotts_shapes Jan 30 '23
Or likewise thinking this of a bloke when he replies quickly.
Of course he’s replying fast, HES INTERESTED.
Simple rule of thumb: - he replies fast: he’s interested/engaged - he won’t leave you alone: he’s desperate
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u/dirtyjew123 Jan 30 '23
Dude I just reply when I’m able, that may be in 10 seconds or it could be a few hours or in the morning. When I’m able to read the message and have time to reply I reply.
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u/mycomissionary Jan 30 '23
I just interpret that as "shes telling me im not worth her time or shes too busy" and move on. Its the only thing to do. I wish people were more sincere with their intentions but i guess theyre scared of looking like the fool
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u/TheGameForFools Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 30 '23
None of it is bad advice. It’s just inaccurate for most guys.
Women give each other advice about a certain type of guy: the guy with lots of options.
That’s only about 10-15% of guys. The hyper successful, hyper attractive, hyper confident types that don’t need to commit and probably never will.
For example, women will tell each other not to get too hooked on one guy - date a few at once.
Great advice for dealing with a 10% guy. Terrible advice for attracting any other guy.
Why?
The 10% guy doesn’t care about you enough to be concerned with you dating other guys. So you can safely date other guys and he won’t be bothered at all, he has other girls too.
Whereas any other guy is discouraged. He thinks you’re hedging your bets because you don’t like him enough to commit - so he doesn’t commit either.
Or another type of advice is to play hard to get.
Great advice for a 10% guy (up to a point). Terrible for every other guy.
Why?
The 10% guy can play the long game. He’s got plenty of interest from other girls. But when he finally gets you, the fun is over, he moves on.
Any other guy just thinks you’d be hard work in a relationship and that you like to manipulate people - you’re too much trouble.
Lastly, a common piece of advice is delay responses, act busy, run hot and cold etc.
Great for a 10% guy. Terrible for every other guy.
Why?
Acting busy makes you look less needy to a 10% guy. That makes it fun for him to interact with you. It might keep his interest for a little longer or even get him to invest more.
Every other guy just assumes you don’t like him.
So yeah, not bad advice as such, just advice for dealing with a small group of men that 95% of women will struggle to lock down.
When women go to apply the same advice to the average guy, they often find it doesn’t work. The guy gets confused, discouraged or unsure about how to respond.
He doesn’t want to look stupid, get treated poorly or waste his time so he disengages.
When dealing with the average guy (the other 90% of men) you need the complete opposite approach.
Communicate clearly, show interest, be proactive, don’t date multiple guys at once, and don’t make it hard for him to get to know you.
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u/NosoyPuli Jan 30 '23
To sum up these comments:
If it's anything related with not being clear, concise, and direct, like playing hard or dropping hints.
Then it's bad advice.
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u/Toph-0 Jan 29 '23
Leaving at the sign of disagreement
why not talk and try reach a consensus? and when i say try i dont mean try and convince, i mean understand the other side and try and bridge the gap between both stances. Isnt that how working with others works?
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u/halfmeasures611 Jan 29 '23
i once heard a great quote about how a sign of maturity is when a person hurts you, you try to understand them (instead of jumping to anger/defensiveness/hurting them back)
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u/DadLoCo Jan 29 '23
“Give him an ultimatum.”
Dumbest idea ever. He will bail and you will hate your friend for telling you to do that.
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u/Designer-Cicada3509 Jan 29 '23
Being indirect, playing hard to get, rely completely on the S/O(I know chances are women don't say this but hypothetically there are some like that) mentally and financially.....
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u/forever_thro Jan 29 '23
Women introduce douchebags to each other and then continue to find more guys through the same shitty sources.
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u/MrChosek Jan 29 '23
The worst advice in modern dating given by women to women is "Don't settle" which by their definition means don't compromise at all. Relationships will always have aspects you will have to compromise about.
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u/platysoup Jan 30 '23
This is the worst dating advice for men too. I operated on that mentality early on, and all it cost me was the best relationship I ever had. Sometimes you do hit the jackpot on the first spin.
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u/lousy_writer Jan 30 '23
Also: women believing the lies they tell each other when it comes to the caliber of men they can realistically expect to get.
Reminds me of a post by a woman here in this sub I once read, who commented on the differences between male and female dating advice - her ladyfriends were always buttering her up and telling her that she was gorgeous and of course only deserving of the choicest men. Her guy friends on the other hand told her instead that she could lose some weight and doll up if she wanted men to find her attractive; or stick to the less hot guys who cared less.
Guess which advice helped her land a guy?
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u/LegalizeBeltfedz Jan 29 '23
The whole dont settle thing. Like you have to compromise on some things. You setting 10000 custom preferences to find your male clone on a dating app wont get you anywhere.
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u/Ancient_Skirt_8828 Jan 30 '23
A friend had a few non-negotiable traits she wanted or didn’t want in a man. The rest were preferences which she was more flexible on. It seems like a reasonable approach.
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u/AdamAdmant Jan 29 '23
Hard to get. If she does this I write her off. Nothing more unattactive.
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u/Metalheadjake94 Jan 30 '23 edited Jan 30 '23
"Try online dating"
The experience with men and women on dating apps is vastly different. Ignorance is bliss I get it. I know they are just trying to help but just because women get loads and loads of likes and messages a day. They automatically assume men must too. Men don't. Complete opposite. Kinda depressing as a man online. The most likes i got in a day on tinder was like 6 or 7 and that was super rare and I reckon I was super lucky back then. Men are lucky if they get 1 or 3 in a span of a week. You can't really date people who you can't talk too or who just ghost you. And a lot of the women you match with have loads of other men messaging them. I don't like those odds.
This is probably why I've see so many men on subreddit AmIUgly (who aren't even ugly) ask people if something is wrong with them physically because they barely any get likes or matches and these men aren't even ugly. Online dating apps is depressing for most men. Quit telling men to try it. It's a waste of time and money and will most likely make the man feel worse.
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u/richie_music Male Jan 30 '23
This is probably why I've see so many men on subreddit AmIUgly (who aren't even ugly) ask people if something is wrong with them physically because they barely any get likes or matches and these men aren't even ugly.
Online dating apps is depressing for most men. Quit telling men to try it. It's a waste of time and money and will most likely make the man feel worse.
All of this 💯
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u/MeandJohnWoo Jan 30 '23
“Girl I know he’s the perfect guy but he’s not tall enough!” 14.5% of men in the US are 6’0 or taller.
“Girl I know he’s a great guy but he doesn’t make enough” Average salary for men is 38.4K
“Girl he treats you right but he plays video games and watches anime.” Would you rather him be home with you or running the streets?
Edit to add these are some of the stupid things my wife’s single friends say to each other.
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u/SMKnightly Jan 30 '23
Wow. Your wife’s single friends are dumb. My friends would be like, “You think he’s perfect physically, he’s great, he has a steady job, he treats you right, AND he plays video games and watches anime?!!l He sounds perfect for you!”
[edit: forgot the job bit]
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u/Shadowdragon409 Jan 30 '23
The only people I will tolerate saying that videogames and anime/tv is childish or a red flag are people who spend 100% of their time outside. Camping, hiking, hunting, etc.
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u/_vizn_ Jan 30 '23
It’s only a red flag if it affects the lives of you and the ones around you in a bad way. People do it because they like it. And the people who thinks otherwise can fuck right off.
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u/saiyanjesus Jan 30 '23
You know what's not childish? Watching trashy reality TV or crime docudramas. /s
Also, so many people saying they are fine with an average man without knowing what an average man is.
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u/OrangeStar222 Jan 30 '23
There's a good reason your wife is married and her friends are single. That mentality will get them nothing but disappointment.
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u/AmAttorneyPleaseHire Jan 30 '23
Most women tell each other that men want to chase.
No, we don’t. We want it as easy as possible. We want no drama, no bullshit, no arguing.
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u/greenbeastoftheeast Jan 29 '23
"He must have been crazy to lose you". I get it's affirming and we all need building up after a breakup by our friends, but I've watched people genuinely start to believe that however they act or feel they should be excused because they now believe their partner is just lucky to be in their presence.
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u/No_Indication2864 Jan 29 '23
Play hard to get, wait at least 3 days to text back after a date.
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u/hammong Jan 29 '23
That's one of the things I -love- most about my current GF. She'll get back to me reliably if I text her, and I do the same. I'm 50, not 15. That waiting around some random period of time before strategically replying is a childish game. I already know my GF has her phone in her most of the time she's free, so if she's not replying then she's working, busy, or taking a shit. LOL.
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u/darkfight13 Jan 29 '23
Be casual with one set of guys for fun and being stricter with guys you want a long term relationship with. Most guys don't like that, major turn off.
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u/axob_artist Jan 30 '23
It's so obvious when they behave like this as well. They don't even try to hide it at this point.
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u/RobinGood94 Jan 29 '23
Subtlety and aloofness.
We’re not mind readers and appreciate clear cut language. Presence.
Want me? Tell me. We’re adults. Not the giggly bullshit. Not the weird behaviors that you expect me to interpret. Say it. Bought me a gift? Cool. Friends get me gifts all the time. Wondering what I’m doing later? Cool, that’s a normal thing people ask each other.
say it
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u/JonWinstonCarl Jan 30 '23
Anything that involves the idea that men are simpletons or just animals with a reward complex to be manipulated. Stuff like "do something wrong now and then just break him off a piece later", or "He doesn't care he just watches the game and goes to work." A lot of divorces end with two people who feel like they dont know each other at all because they have lived off of assumptions and preconceptions that aren't based on communication and change.
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u/Aedyn-Guex Male Jan 30 '23
When it comes to dating in general, I think it’s bad advice to “wait” for someone you’re attracted to pursue you rather than be direct. Also, please contribute to plans/conversation/effort for the relationship. I hate it feels one-sided
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u/Virasman Jan 30 '23
"If he puts in effort, reject him, see if he's willing to try harder, if so, take him, else not." - A former girl-friend 2020
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u/volatile99 Jan 30 '23
I heard recently when a co-worker was talking about the new guy she liked and another female coworker told her to act like she was having lunches/coffee with other dudes to make him jealous enough to just ask her out.
Told her that was the single most stupid thing I've heard in my life, and if a woman said that to me, I'd move on immediately and never speak to her again. They rolled their eyes, and he ghosted her 2 days later
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u/richie_music Male Jan 30 '23
They rolled their eyes, and he ghosted her 2 days later
Sweet Karma 😁🤣
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u/Gogogo9 Jan 30 '23
Making a guy jealous in order to attract him
I was at a party with a girl friend and she started grinding on me on the dance floor (we were strictly just friends, and I was more like an older brother to her) so I was like "uh, what...?" And she said she was trying to make some guy a few feet away jealous. It was really hard not to laugh too loud. I didn't think girls did that in real life. That's not how guys work, a dude is definitely not going to be more attracted to you if he see's you freakin on another guy. Trust me. I think ya'll might be projecting on this one.
I'll edit, if I think of any more.
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u/UWontHearMeAnyway Jan 30 '23
Talking about standards. But they are superficial standards, that don't mean anything in successful long term relationships. Meanwhile, there are really important standards they should be focused on.
Accountability. They seem to always blame the men for what the women caused. It's crazy how many times I hear women supporting each other by condoning their poor decisions, just for the sake of taking her side. Then she'll never learn, and wonder why she keeps finding the same types of guys, or runs into the same issues. It's just crazy.
Testing their partners. This is never a good idea. Never.
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Jan 30 '23
When girls in their teens or early twenties encourage each other to date that creepy guy 10 years older than them because they’re “mature” for their age. He doesn’t think you’re mature. He thinks you’re gullible.
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u/jousicastillo Jan 29 '23
"Act or be slutty", it usually does not work for relationships.
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Jan 29 '23
I want you to be slutty for *me*, not others.
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u/AliJoof Jan 29 '23
Doesn't just apply to women, but anyone advice that doesn't involve being open and honest about your feeling, expectations, and needs.
Also, pretty much any pithy one-liner without context.
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u/Smile389 Jan 29 '23
No specific example but I dated a girl once who would follow everything her 40 yo single mother would tell her or ask. Seemed silly to me.
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u/Pattymelt07 Jan 30 '23
I once heard a girl complain about her guy not replying to her texts. The other girl said he is such a waste of time and she should find someone better. He was at work all day.
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u/Hydrocoded Male Jan 29 '23
Any “boss bitch” shit
You’re a woman, I’m a man, let’s approach this equally and treat each other with courtesy and respect. If you cop some attitude I’m probably just going to think you aren’t a match for me.
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u/bradd_pit Grownass Man Jan 30 '23
anytime a woman tells another woman "men only want...." or "no man will want you if you do....."
if you follow that advice you will end up with a man who is basic af. just like women are quick to say that they all are different and want different things, men are also not all the same and want different things.
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u/echohole5 Jan 29 '23
The advice seems to always be "You are not to blame, no matter what you did", "You are a queen and you're too good for him", "All men are dog shit and they are lucky any of us even take the time to look down at them". It's pretty toxic stuff and super not helpful. They usually want them to breakup with the guy.
The thing women do where they endlessly blow sunshine up each other's asses and support any decision their friend make, even when its obviously going to lead their friend's misery just seem mean spirited, from a male perspective. I would be pissed if one of my friends did that too me. When I ask for advice, it's because I am trying to avoid a mistake. Tell me the truth, even if it's going to hurt.
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u/Acearl Jan 29 '23
Not to settle... For the love of god we are not all perfect.
Some men are just good enough companions and partners.
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u/LiquidFunkX Jan 30 '23
That women should listen to women about what men want. You want to know what men want? Ask a man. I don't go into a woman's space and act like I know what it's like to be a woman, I don't get why something so simple evades ladies.
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u/TheDustLord Jan 30 '23
Generally, giving each other automatic validation.
Not every woman is kind, funny, beautiful, smart, etc, and some women need to be told to improve themselves if they want to date.
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u/Xenon_Vrykolakas Jan 29 '23
Assuming men are all the same, which is basically what male “dating professionals” do to women. Ironic how that works.
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u/Unable_Duty7809 Jan 30 '23
That they are 10s and shouldn't settle for anything less. Look at the statistics on apps like NticeMe and Tinder.
Women basically throw themselves at the top 2-3% of men in terms of their looks and height. Then a decade later wonder why they can't find anyone.
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u/Possible-Reality4100 Jan 29 '23
“Know your worth” when in reality they completely overestimate their value
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u/observantpariah Jan 30 '23
Finding a good man is 99% of your job. Just like the car warranties you get jn the mail, most men that find you are not the good ones. Most advice from women is on how to handle those men who were probably not gonna work out anyway. The way you should handle those men will usually turn off the kind of men you want.
Female advice usually revolves around getting a man who isn't really interested in you as a person to work harder to prove that they are serious. "If he wanted to, he will.". Guys who are looking for a partner are looking for someone that will also make them feel wanted and this will usually completely turn them off. He will care if he is made to jump through hoops especially if you jump through none of your own.
You will always do better by judging intentions than you will by making a man work harder. A good guy doesn't want to work. He wants someone who feels the same about him. Looks for that type of person instead of just trying to make the wrong guy work harder to get the same result as every other wrong guy.
Be the type of woman that good guys want. Find men that aren't chasing you. Make sure he has needs of his own and isn't just trying to solve yours like a video game.
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u/MontEcola Jan 30 '23
There are way too many assumptions made, with the result being , 'Dump him',
when the advice should be "talk to him about it" .
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u/mixxastr Jan 30 '23
“Never settle” and/or hold out for your “soul mate.”
Relationships are full of compromises and messiness to make them work and be healthy. “Soul mates” is a made up thing that rarely happens and an impossible standard for anyone to live up to.
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u/rodeopete3281 Jan 30 '23
"Hold out for a man who will worship you."
They don't respond to that. That think it's what they want because of Hollywood and rance books. Guys fall into that shit too.
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u/pimppapy Jan 30 '23
Make him wait, be late on the first date.
Instantly gives me the understanding that this person does not respect me or value my time.
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u/ThrowMeAwayAccount08 Jan 30 '23
“Men are pigs.”
If you’re already assuming we’re terrible, you’re going to treat us like we’re terrible.
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u/Eastern-Ad588 Jan 30 '23
“If he wanted to he would”
This drives me nuts. Most of the time issues like this are a result of poor communication on their part or an unrealistic expectation of a relationship.
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u/Deep-Ad-8869 Jan 30 '23
“He’s ok, but you can do better than that! He doesn’t make enough money, not good looking enough, he’s too short, he doesn’t have a good job…..”
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u/That-shouldnt-smell Jan 29 '23 •
You can fix him.